Because Guin and I have both been feeling inappropriately responsible for things lately.

Mental Checklist to Determine if it is Appropriate to Feel Guilty, Responsible or Generally Bad

• Did you take direct, specific and conscious action to cause this situation?

No?  All right, then, you're fine.  A lot of us have tendencies towards control and towards self directed negativity.  That means we tend to think "I should have prevented this, I should have done more, or be doing more.  If I can't fix this, then it's my fault."  Not true.  You only need to feel accountable for things you did knowingly.

This doesn't mean you need to walk away from situations you're not accountable for.  If a friend is in a bad place, for example, you may choose to help her.  But it is your own choice and not something you are required to do.  Nor is it your fault if a problem is too big for you to fix, and all you can do is offer support.  Just remember it's not something you SHOULD do.  Should is a word that means I expect myself to do this for no good reason and I think I'll be a bad person if I don't do it.  And some situations, though not your fault, do require action to keep yourself safe and happy.  But having to respond to a thing is totally different from having caused that thing.

So, in conclusion, stop taking on more trouble than you've earned.

STRESS!

You may or may not know it, but my life isn't characterized by an overabundance of good luck.  In the big areas like friends and good health, I am pretty lucky, but in the day to day business of my life things go to hell on a regular basis.  Like this month.  This whole month is really sucking a lot of eggs.

Now, recovering from an ED is difficult enough under ideal circumstances.  When things start going downhill it gets really complicated.  And since people who develop ED's tend to be sensitive and prone to overthinking things, even the smallest of disturbances can have a big impact.

So let's say that you've been on what you feel is a good track: Steadily maintaining your recovery, maybe just starting to learn your own needs, or taking regular steps towards healthiness.  Whatever it is, you feel like you've got life set up in a way that allows you to grab this problem and work with it.  Then all hell breaks loose.  Your support system breaks down, or your havens become unsafe or your calm is disturbed or maybe your bed is full of bedbugs and it is really pushing your triggers.  What are you going to do?

Congratulations! You have found yourself in a Shitty Learning Experience.  Feel free to hate them, because they truly are shitty.  But learn from them.  They have a lot to tell you.  They tell you where your breaking points are, and your strengths.  They teach you to invent new coping strategies, often on the fly.  They show you what you can do without and push you to choose the things you will not do without, come hell or high water.

But most importantly, you learn that you can survive anything.  Anything.  When things go tits up, the common mantra is 'I can't handle this."  "Oh, work is so stressful I just can't handle it."  "This guy is crazy and I just can't take it."  "I am so alone and it is going to kill me."  Not true.  You can and will get through all of it.  Gracefully?  Maybe not.  Easily?  Nope, it's stressful -maybe even heartbreaking- for a reason.  But you're   going to make it through.  You are going to be OK, in time.


Realize that, and it changes your focus.  You stop wondering how you're going to make it through and you start seeing what you can do now to make it through easier and faster.  You can stop dreading that you'll be crushed and start finding your power.  It's there for you, even in the Shitty Learning times.  Maybe especially then, because that's when you need it.

I have not forgotten you or given up!

It's been a weird few weeks and I just couldn't formulate a whole blog post.  Expect one probably Thursday evening.  Thursday shall be laundry and blog post day.