There will be some crossover, still, since a lot of my personal stuff is ED related. But thisiswhereiblogthings.blogspot.com is where I shall be putting more general stuff I feel like sharing. Goodenougheddiscussion.blogspot.com will be pretty much just for ED talk and related talk.
Feel free to scoot over to This is Where I Blog Things to bask in the very first post there. It has stick figures ;)
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Well, I won't have the internet for very long, so I thought I would just toss out some things. I like vegetables. People from the ghetto look at you funny when you tell them you don't weigh yourself. Mental contamination happens when one thing is associated in your mind with something bad and it takes on the bad feelings even though there is nothing bad about that first thing other than it's proximity to the second thing. Writing with carpal tunnel is hard, but it distracts from self criticism. I miss my fingertips, though. Paragraph breaks make things easier to read.
Sometimes I wonder if my occasional breakthrough binge/purge behaviors occur (in part at least) because so much of my identity is based on my ED experience and recovery and I am afraid to be totally without it. The bites all over my legs are healing up, so I feel less like a leper. But I am so afraid of bedbugs now that I spend half the time convinced that my awesome new place has got them, too. And then I wonder, am I being paranoid, or are my fears legit. Since I am much more of an anxious person than I used to think, it's hard for me to know exactly how much credence to give my fears. I bought new shoes from a guy selling them on the corner (oh, the ghetto!) and I love them.
Tonight I am buying a vacuum. Chores are easier and more fun in a house that it just mine because it's not work, it's making things how I like them. When I was younger, I had a big cackly laugh. It went away for a while, but seems to be coming back. My friend is making another upswing of progress against his depression and alcohol dependence and somehow that makes me feel a bit useless. I get the feeling this blog is going to be trending towards personal entries. Or maybe I should make a personal blog and keep this one for ED topics only? Thoughts, oh nine followers? Ha! You're like the Fellowship and I must be the One Ring.
Sometimes I wonder if my occasional breakthrough binge/purge behaviors occur (in part at least) because so much of my identity is based on my ED experience and recovery and I am afraid to be totally without it. The bites all over my legs are healing up, so I feel less like a leper. But I am so afraid of bedbugs now that I spend half the time convinced that my awesome new place has got them, too. And then I wonder, am I being paranoid, or are my fears legit. Since I am much more of an anxious person than I used to think, it's hard for me to know exactly how much credence to give my fears. I bought new shoes from a guy selling them on the corner (oh, the ghetto!) and I love them.
Tonight I am buying a vacuum. Chores are easier and more fun in a house that it just mine because it's not work, it's making things how I like them. When I was younger, I had a big cackly laugh. It went away for a while, but seems to be coming back. My friend is making another upswing of progress against his depression and alcohol dependence and somehow that makes me feel a bit useless. I get the feeling this blog is going to be trending towards personal entries. Or maybe I should make a personal blog and keep this one for ED topics only? Thoughts, oh nine followers? Ha! You're like the Fellowship and I must be the One Ring.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Boyfriend and I had our very first fight a few days ago. Hardly a fight really. A tiff. He startled me, then teased me about it. I got mad and a little bit shrill. He was taken aback. Basic two-people-interacting stuff.
This was pretty significant for me, though, for a couple of reasons. For one, I am pretty sure it was my first real relationship fight. My first boyfriend only ever was with the me that was too occupied with food obsession to be mentally present, and it's hard to fight when you're not really engaged with your own life at all.
Second, it led to a talk about me and how my brain works. See, right after we settled our little fight, I needed to quell the part of me that was screaming that I screwed up and nobody would ever love me and I was BAD because I'd gotten angry. Boyfriend wanted to go into a related discussion. I stopped him and asked if we could table the serious discussion until I processed some things. This was only moderately successful because then I had to explain why I needed time (Boyfriend liked to get to the heart of things as they happen, which I admire, but was not capable of) which wound up being a serious discussion itself, but less draining than the other one would have been.
Fun fact, I cry when I'm overwrought. And since outside of my own head there was nothing particularly upsetting going on, Boyfriend was understandably confused. He took it all like a champ, though. He didn't say anything stupid like "don't cry" and he took my word for it when I explained my needs and that everything was long-run fine but short-term overwhelming.
All of this led to a talk the next day which covered a lot of things, how ED's work, how long I'd been affected, how it affected my previous relationship and so on. I learned that I'm getting better at speaking out loud about these things, even if they're about me in particular and not just general ED facts (that has been a problem for me in the past, being able to discuss ED's in a generic way, but not able to articulate my own experience). I also learned that I like the kind of questions Boyfriend asks, and that he does, in fact, ask them at all. So many people are afraid to pry, but I crave their interest. After all my ED and recovery are a part of who I am and that part gets routinely avoided. So it filled a need to be grilled gently for a while.
The less emotionally able parts of me want to be able to just tick "fight" off the list of Relationship Things and never come back to it. But Boyfriend can be as infuriating as he is adorable, so I doubt that's going to happen, and it wouldn't be a good thing if it did happen, anyway. But hey, maybe a few more fights and I'll start getting more comfortable with expressing my anger and learn to do so effectively and appropriately.
This was pretty significant for me, though, for a couple of reasons. For one, I am pretty sure it was my first real relationship fight. My first boyfriend only ever was with the me that was too occupied with food obsession to be mentally present, and it's hard to fight when you're not really engaged with your own life at all.
Second, it led to a talk about me and how my brain works. See, right after we settled our little fight, I needed to quell the part of me that was screaming that I screwed up and nobody would ever love me and I was BAD because I'd gotten angry. Boyfriend wanted to go into a related discussion. I stopped him and asked if we could table the serious discussion until I processed some things. This was only moderately successful because then I had to explain why I needed time (Boyfriend liked to get to the heart of things as they happen, which I admire, but was not capable of) which wound up being a serious discussion itself, but less draining than the other one would have been.
Fun fact, I cry when I'm overwrought. And since outside of my own head there was nothing particularly upsetting going on, Boyfriend was understandably confused. He took it all like a champ, though. He didn't say anything stupid like "don't cry" and he took my word for it when I explained my needs and that everything was long-run fine but short-term overwhelming.
All of this led to a talk the next day which covered a lot of things, how ED's work, how long I'd been affected, how it affected my previous relationship and so on. I learned that I'm getting better at speaking out loud about these things, even if they're about me in particular and not just general ED facts (that has been a problem for me in the past, being able to discuss ED's in a generic way, but not able to articulate my own experience). I also learned that I like the kind of questions Boyfriend asks, and that he does, in fact, ask them at all. So many people are afraid to pry, but I crave their interest. After all my ED and recovery are a part of who I am and that part gets routinely avoided. So it filled a need to be grilled gently for a while.
The less emotionally able parts of me want to be able to just tick "fight" off the list of Relationship Things and never come back to it. But Boyfriend can be as infuriating as he is adorable, so I doubt that's going to happen, and it wouldn't be a good thing if it did happen, anyway. But hey, maybe a few more fights and I'll start getting more comfortable with expressing my anger and learn to do so effectively and appropriately.
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