Journal

This journal entry feels like significant progress to me.  I was going to describe it, but I think I'd rather just show it. If it is something that is going to speak to you, you'll hear it most clearly this way.

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Why am I so scared and what am I scared of?
I am afraid of gaining weight.  OK.  Why is that frightening?

• I will look bad
• People will judge me
• I will be unfit

But in themselves, separately and objectively, those things don't rate the fear I carry.

• People of any weight can look good or bad
• People who judge me that way aren't worth my tine
• Fitness is not a function of size, and overly thin is more unfit than overweight but thinness doesn't carry the same fear

It seems that my fear is not springing from the things I attach it to.  So I have to ask again, deeper this time, what am I afraid of?

Am I afraid that if I gain weight I will become again the girl I was? Am I afraid that the feelings I will have will destroy me?

Am I afraid the feelings I have now will destroy me?
 
I did well when my depression was all consuming.  Being so very sad squeezes it (ED) out.  So whatever I'm covering with food is more intrinsic to me than that.  It's being alone, unoccupied that is most risky, and thoughts of abandoning my ED make it cling more.

Maybe I need to direct towards ED self more love and support.  I've tried to incorporate self love, but always with an idea that ED separate from inner child self.  That's not really true.

ED self needs a name and an image.  I can care for her better that way.  She's not a problem to be fixed or monster to fight.  She's a sad, scared girl.  I've learned a lot of skills and strength and flexibility over my recovery, and I think that's opened up a rift between her and me.  I need to reach across and help her catch up.