Nananananananananananananana

Last week, my manager went on vacation.  This was kind of cool for me because I got to do (or at least help with) all the service calls.  I was also completely in chare of scheduling the service trips and I was responsible for ther service van (affectionately called the rape van.  Yes, I know it is despicable of me to support rape culture by making light of the subject, but this van is so very creepy/shady looking).  Responsible for it while at work and then responsible for driving it  home in the evening.

Now, I was told this the Friday before.  That meant I had all weekend to stew about how it would ruin my normal walking routine.

You may or may not be aware, but walking is the cornerstone of my self care.  I was relying on walking before I  even understood self care, and if you ask me what I do, I would call myself a walker before I call myself a breather.  I use it to transition into and out of work mode, also to reduce stress when I feel dismorphic. And it fits into my schedule as transportation, so I don't obsessively escalate it the way I often do with exercise.  I felt robbed and angry  to be told I had to drive, that my walking time was simply dismissed for seven days.  After all, you don't just knock the Prozac bottle out of the hands of someone with depression, do you?

All weekend it pressed on me.  I tried to talk to Boyfriend, but it was frustrating.  Attempts to calm me felt like being told not to feel how I feel.  And I was too upset to be on board with the effort it would take to explain myself clearly.  That Sunday I felt so trapped I had a binge purge episode.

Monday I came clean to Sean about the ED incident via text while scheduling and making calls.  And it wasn't so bad.  Yoga filled in the walking slot, and since an ED episode had been my biggest fear, I knew nothing else could go that badly.  Tuesday was also fine, and Wednesday morning my other boss told me I could leave the van at work and resume my walks.  Yaaaaay!

So what did I learn?

• My worst problem was my own fear and defeated attitude.  If I had believed it would be OK, I would have been proven right. 
• I may be obsessing about walking in a different way than with other exercise.  A week without anything (besides food and water and such) is not as big a deal as all that.

I'm gonna sit with that for a bit to see what I think I can do about it. 

 

Journal

This journal entry feels like significant progress to me.  I was going to describe it, but I think I'd rather just show it. If it is something that is going to speak to you, you'll hear it most clearly this way.

...

Why am I so scared and what am I scared of?
I am afraid of gaining weight.  OK.  Why is that frightening?

• I will look bad
• People will judge me
• I will be unfit

But in themselves, separately and objectively, those things don't rate the fear I carry.

• People of any weight can look good or bad
• People who judge me that way aren't worth my tine
• Fitness is not a function of size, and overly thin is more unfit than overweight but thinness doesn't carry the same fear

It seems that my fear is not springing from the things I attach it to.  So I have to ask again, deeper this time, what am I afraid of?

Am I afraid that if I gain weight I will become again the girl I was? Am I afraid that the feelings I will have will destroy me?

Am I afraid the feelings I have now will destroy me?
 
I did well when my depression was all consuming.  Being so very sad squeezes it (ED) out.  So whatever I'm covering with food is more intrinsic to me than that.  It's being alone, unoccupied that is most risky, and thoughts of abandoning my ED make it cling more.

Maybe I need to direct towards ED self more love and support.  I've tried to incorporate self love, but always with an idea that ED separate from inner child self.  That's not really true.

ED self needs a name and an image.  I can care for her better that way.  She's not a problem to be fixed or monster to fight.  She's a sad, scared girl.  I've learned a lot of skills and strength and flexibility over my recovery, and I think that's opened up a rift between her and me.  I need to reach across and help her catch up.